FOR OVER 20 YEARS, Literary Review has singled out the most terrible sex scenes in modern fiction for the Bad Sex Award.
Here’s the worst from this year’s crop of nominees – read them and squirm.
1. Against Nature – Tomas Espedal
Héloise has lost all sense of how she ought to behave, she practically throws herself at Abélard, pulls him to the floor and straddles him as if they’re two boys fighting.
2. Book of Numbers – Joshua Cohen
Her mouth was intensely ovoid, an almond mouth, of citrus crescents. And under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop…
Fates and Furies – Lauren Groff
She pushed him back on the sandy tar paper, and he was looking up at her face in the glow, and she lifted her skirt and moved the crotch of her underwear aside, and Lotto, who was always ready, who was ready at the most abstract imaginings of a girl – footprints of a sandpiper like a crotch, gallons of milk evoking boobs – was not ready at this oh-so-abrupt beginning.
Fear of Dying – Erica Jong
While I lie next to him, astounded by his presence still, he opens my silk robe and touches my c**t as if he were Adam just discovering Eve’s p***y.
Before, During, After – Richard Bausch
When she took him, still a little flaccid, into her mouth, he moaned, “Oh, lover.”
The Making of Zombie Wars – Aleksander Hemon
Far in the back of whatever was left of his mind, the light of reason was struggling against being finally extinguished and he was aware that wearing a condom would’ve been a good idea, but there was no way that he was getting out of her… She let him in so deep he didn’t have to think about her, and therefore he didn’t have to think about himself, but of course he was thinking about not thinking about himself…
The Martini Shot – George Pelecanos
She stroked my pole and took off my briefs, and I got between her and spread her muscular thighs with my knees and rubbed myself against her until she was wet as a waterslide, then I split her.
And of course, List of the Lost – Morrissey
Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.
The phrase “bulbous salutation” alone should get him the prize. Congratulations to all of the nominees, we guess…
